How new your life once was.

The landscapes I know best are those of my emotions. I see them in my mind's eyes as seasons, memories of what might have been. For I have coloured the past and it is now no longer what it was, if it ever was.

I know them as the taste of your perfume on my tongue as we pass, unnoticing, the shiver of your voice as I fail to hide: right there, in front of you.

I know them as corks pop and bubbles do not distract as I would wish but start the endgame.

I know them as the sand that scours my skin, embedding pride, familiarity, the end of that day and the hiatus before another comes to play.

I know them as the television becomes my life, warm only with pounding ions; too quick to turn. And facing me, it never looks back.

That is for me to do.

Path 1 (Choice part 2)

Why do you demand when I have little and you so much? Is everything not enough? I’ve mortgaged things I’ll never have and still you come for more. Can’t you see this? Can’t you? I steal from you to give to you. And because you have so much you do not notice: just raise your demands.

This is futility.

Overture

Smokey grey tendrils surround. Questioning as they waft past, reaching, searching, but not for me. A quizzical, nonchalent scrutiny that bears no fruit is all I am allowed.

Your eyes are so large. Your skin so pinched. You have no smile, only rictus.
But Death will not take you. No one will. Save those whose embrace you would never have known.

I climb the tree.

Dark, dusty, unfurnished. The light in the window is harsh but penetrates only weakly; on its last legs. You are there. Back turned. There is nothing to see, but still you look. We will not talk.

I climb.

The pub is filled with smoke, laughter, a hundred happy faces. Wrinked. Drinking. They push another on you. Birthdays come but once a year. And today is your day. Was your day. Oblivion never fades.

I climb.

I see the city. Ablaze with neon ochre. Sleep comes down like fog to bring rest to your weary bones and skin. You exude the warmth from your dreams and it rises to greet me.

I climb.

Atop the spiring tree with clouds of dreams that cling to bowing branches, I reach out ...

and forget.

Catechism - 1) Rejection

So you're offering it to me 'on a plate', eh?
I had wondered, you know. It could be one thing, but we don't have much in common and I'm not exactly 'des res'*, am I?
I couldn't presume, of course, and I was happy to meet anyway; it's an opportunity and they need to be taken sometimes.
And earlier, before I'd got to know you that little bit that I now do and when I was in that frame of mind I think I might well have taken this offer, taken you.
Maybe. You never know until the final moment which way you'll jump.
But now I know you're a nice girl.
You've always been with bastards, you say. You're smart, realsmart, you could've gone to Oxford.
So I'll just say: so what does that tell you about yourself?
And it'll be only what? 2,3 months? For what?
We both know there's no 'connection'. We quite like each other, but that's it.
Nothing will come of it, out of it.
And if I want to spend dead time, as I think, no know, I must: playing pool, watching daytime t.v. then I will. So be it. It's better than spending dead time in you.
There's a little girl in you. I've met her before in various guises.
And one day you'll come face to face with her.
And I don't want to be part of the recriminations, the "Why did I bothers?"
I'd rather be the idiot who didn't, the wanker even (though unlikely), nothing. Than something less than.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not the first, or second, or third or...choice.
I don't want that degree of attention: it would embarrass me.
I hope I'm not patronising but what I might like for you is not appropriate for me to say; the situation's changed.
You've been rejected.



*des res = desirable residence, if you didn't know.

Plane

The dark streets are yours.

You feel the join, the plane, glass-like, prismatic; 6 feet from the ground or thereabouts. Eye height.

You watch the milling thrall, a mass that grows like mould on the streets as their hollow, barely perceptible moans propel them, squid-like, but slowly on their aimless journey. They creep because they know no other way.

They all seem to fall below the plane and you wonder if this makes them malnourished, deprived of sunlight despite the plane's transparent qualities.

Before you, behind you, all around you are buildings made of scents, voices, memories; the stillborn hopes of those who live there, not acknowledging how little it is that they look to support.

The plane flares and starts to feed you sensation. Moving, you notice how little it affects you. You would expect to have to make way for it; fall beneath to the rotting mass or climb above and glisse upon its frictionless surface, surfing to your destination at breakneck speed. But there is no need for this and you are not sure if you even could could climb up on it if you wanted.

Would it support you?

After all it is but a vein, a tube of sorts to feed you, or so it seems. It is new, something only recently noticed.

Horribly impressive chat up lines

For those who are bored with succeeding all the time.

Would you marry a radish?

.....(insert girl's name)? That's my pet dog's name!

How long did you spend getting ready? (said with rising tone). Was it worth it?

Is it true ginger girls smell really bad down below?

Your boyfriend's an arsehole.

I don't fancy you, but you've got great tits! (Now why that doesn't work, I don't know!)

I love your eyebrows.

A day without discharge is like a dog that doesn't lick its balls. Don't you agree?

Hi.

I rubbed my nipple with sandpaper today.

Glass. Glass. Glass. Glass. Glass.

Ich bin ein Berliner. (farts loudly).

You look just like my auntie Bessie!

Have you really never been to Guatemala?

Your shoes remind me of raw pork chops.

Your sister told me you can't dance. If you take it up the gary, I won't mind tho'.

All women are lesbians.

Do you think Michael Jackson did it? Really? Why? That's crap! You don't know what you
are talking about! He's my hero! Shao-mon* (and wave one-gloved hand) (*er, can't spell that!)

I had a girlfriend. Once. (Helps if you're wearing army surplus gear).

Hiyaaaarrrrerrrraaaaaeeeeeehhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaooooooo - ah!

Will you look after my torch for me while I go to the toilet?

Smell my pubes.

Vive la France. Could I interest you in five hundred tons of scrap metal?

don't quote me

I've never been to Montserrat

posted by jonny-no-stars @ 12:26 PM

4 Comments:
At 4:48 PM, Sar said...
Don't worry I won't.


At 9:16 PM, jonny-no-stars said...
I'm more worried that YOU will!


At 11:40 PM, Jessica B. said...
Have you been to the other side of the room?


At 11:56 PM, jonny-no-stars said...
Don't be silly!

It's in Legoland.

Memory

BASICS

Name: Jonny (as far as you're concerned)

Age: is a wonderful thing. That way I know you are a schoolgirl and thus prey for some of the saddos I've met and not for me: a lifetime of anal intrusion appeals not.

Birth date: I've always wondered why I have to have the date on which I was born. Why can't I choose? This denies me a basic fundamental human right.

Birthplace: I'm not admitting to that! Have you seen the place?!!! Ok, for those so inclined, Charles Dickens was born there.

Current Location: In hiding. From everyone who's after me. That's not you, too, is it?

Eye Color: Colours. Plural. And spelt proper, loike. Brown and green. With a black bit in the middle that changes shape when the object in front of me is particularly ... interesting - i.e. horny (why does no one ever mention that?) and the whitey/yellow/red bits outside (ditto - which must mean I have a weird head).

Hair Color: Mud. Clean mud. Not grey mud. or red mud or...dammit! Brown. With an increasing amount of albino.

Height: Sheer - hahahahaha! Ok, I'm easily amused when it's me doing the amusing...bigger than most.

Righty or Lefty: Politics? Side my knob falls to? Side I choose to walk on in relation to you? Oh, hannnnnds! Right! In that case, I have 2. Thank you very much!

Zodiac Sign: You're psychic, you tell me! Make it good, or I won't buy you another apple pie!

Marital Status: Blimey! What is this; a quiz or something? Unalloyed.

Nicknames: Currently? I think people just talk about me behind my back. They sure don't talk to my face.

Siblings: maybe. That's private if no and private if yes. For now. Until the police have completed their vetting procedure. Unless you want to work for Royal Mail, in which case...OK!

STUFF THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT

(what's that then?)

What did u do yesterday? This is classed as "really important"? Well I can imagine it is if you're constipated and have been for a week or haven't eaten in 3 days and been rescued from wild dingoes, but otherwise....

What are you doing tomorrow? Having sex. (Will someone please put the people in the back having the sniggering fits outside - PLEASE!)

What are you listening to? The sound of mellifluous breathing? No, ok, Garbage.

What country would you most like to visit? Original question: Take over a country (imagine you're short, Amer-can, dense beyond dense, and suffer from little man syndrome if you're having trouble here). What would you name it? What laws would you pass? How would you manage the economy?

What are you most afraid of?: Seeing "The Fantastic Four and liking it". Ok, that's actually a lie: 'tis pants beyond compare, but I like the sentiment.

What are you wearing? Original question. Why don't people wear live pets?

What are you thinking about right now? WTF is the end of this thing? I gotta pee soon and collar the urchin.

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: I'd like to be a parasitic crayon. That ate your blood. So I'd be a colour-changing, blood-sucking and digesting crayon.

One pillow or two, cotton or feather?: Are we talking as an aid to sex here? Ropes, ropes, ropes!

How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?: WTF is that? Is it like a chocolate teapot?

ARE YOU...

Understanding?: Of course! But in English we say "Do you understand?" (fuckin idiots!)

Arrogant?: Hell, YES!!!!

A littleInsecure?: No. But my nuts are itching again.

VeryInteresting?: Interminably. Is this the psychometric and thus 'meaningful' component? What prize do I get?

MaybeFriendly?: That describes everyone. So no.

VerySmart?: Oooooh ye-...no :(

QuiteMoody?: Yup! Especially when I'm on. Or being chased by fast-moving gnats.

Not so muchChildish?: Y'see? Young people these days...

Sprightly but not immature: Que? Do I get coupongs for this?

Independent?: Is that a euphemism for is I tied up (above)? Actually I belong to a co-op.

VeryEmotionally Stable?: YES, YES, YES! Ok, once more from the top

Probably notShy?: You are or you're not. It's a transient state depending on circumstances.

Attractive?: C'mon. You want me, don't you? rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Bored Easily?: n - ooh! lookee there!

Responsible?: ir...?

Sad?: no, I'm slash my wrists fucking over the moon!

Obsessive?: It's a human trait. Chemicals, dontcha know?

SlightlyObsessive compulsive?: maybe, maybe not? Now where did I put my hair curlers?

Psycho?: Nope. I only stalk for cash money.

WHAT'S...

Your heritage?: An unsubtle device used by Americans to reinforce stereotypes and their 'class system' (that they don't have). The rest of the world doesn't give a toss, usually.

Your weakness?: Guess. Guess again. Don't expect me to tell you if you're right, but at least it keeps you outta my hair.

Your fears?: You've asked this question. Get a memory.

Your perfect pizza?: The one I ordered 15 minutes later than you and are now deriving almost as much pleasure from as I am from your plaintive bleating and pitiful attempts to look appealing in order to attempt to get me to give you some. Maybe, but it won't be pizza (if you're cute and disposable).

Your current Mood?: Androgynous.

Your current Music?: That doesn't even make fucking sense? The proper question has already been asked.

Your current Taste?: To kill the writer of this inane drivel...

Your current Hair?: Hey? Is this like baby teeth? When mine all falls out I get a new set of adult hair? News to me!

Your current Smell: Ok, this was plainly written by a retard. Grade average over 4.0 (whatever that means). Come in Jenna Bush, your time is up.

Your current Favorite Celebrity: The one you never hear anything about.

Your most overused phrase on AIM/AOL/MN: I don't have one. Which is a problem in a world that runs on them.

The worst song you ever heard: No idea.

The last thing you ate?: ...Fuck off!

The last thing you said?: Fuck off!

The best song you ever heard?: No idea. Going downhill real quick...

The shoes you wore today?: Stinky ones! Going uphill fastly fast!!!

The most embarrassing thing you've done? Going downhill real fast

Your room is like?: It's like, y'know?! Huh!

Very messyGoal you'd like to achieve?: Mudbath with (insert name of fit porn star here).

HAVE YOU EVER...

(killed anyone? No, but it's currently foremost in my mind...)

Fallen for your best friend?: You don't fall for friends, only strangers. And that's lust.

Done something you regret?: You can only regret what you haven't done. You should expect ramifications from action and factor them into the expected valence of the outcome.

Loved someone so much it made you cry?: as in I'm too big for ya, but you're gonna get it anyway...hmmm :)

Smoked?: No.

Broken the law?: Which law? Ya gotta be more specific!

Broken a bone? Mine or someone else's? Yes to the former. Altho' technically it was the force of the impact that did it.

Cheated on a test?: Purlease! Actually once I did give someone some help which meant they did better than me...that kinda defeats the object, doesn't it?

Played truth or dare?: I don't play ... games.

Mooned someone?: I don't think I have. Add to the "to do" list.

Kissed someone you didn't know?: Arrgh! Grab! Tongues! ...next wictim...?

Been in a physical fight?: Is there any other kind? Really?

Ridden in a police car?: As in, nicked? They tend to use vans (he says, from what he's heard from other people). Otherwise, well, buses tend to stop when you flag them down, the police aren't very good at that.

Been on a plane?: This comes from America which has more internal flights than any other country but very few (relatively) passport holders. Go figure.

Come close to dying?: apparently when you sneeze, everything stops. Everything. And it's the equivalent of one-eighth of an orgasm. Which means...a lotta near-death experiences!

Been in a sauna?: Got it. The "person" who wrote this was a 5 year old Puerto Rican.

Been in a hot tub?: ...with Scandinavian "heritage"

Swam in the ocean?: ...living in London

Done illegal drugs?:...occasionally visiting the Home Counties.

Been trashed or extremely intoxicaed?: ...asking their elder sister a lot of questions.

Been called a tease?: No, nor Maltese, Chinese, or Penguinese (I made the last one up).

Gotten beaten up?: Are you asking for me to ... ?

Considered a life of crime?: I couldn't find that biography of Dubya I wanted so very much.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...

You talked to in person?: because we are real people in person, aren't we? I can't remember. They can't have been me.

You talked to on the phone?: Ask the people who are monitoring my calls. I'm sure it's important to, well, nobody actually.

You instant messaged?: That hooker. You know. The one who played for Harlequins (English reference).

You had lunch with?: When was the last time I had lunch before 4? Do the people in the cafe count? I don't know their names but they were somewhat...hoary.

You kissed?: Elmer Fudd.

Who broke your heart? I can't say, the case is currently sub judice. There is likely to be an out of court settlement, however.

You had physical contact with? Do fleas count if you've given them names? And a home?

DO YOU...

(now I feel less bad about my lack of mental prowess)

Color your hair?: with bloodsucking crayons, yes.

Have tattoos? I'm reminded of a pc game called "Planescape Torment" or something. People had tattoos in that.

Have Piercings?: As in bits of my body with foreign objects inserted? Does a catheter count?

Floss daily? If it gets you into bed...

Own a web cam?: Here's my entire inventory , now stop asking!

Ever get off the darn computer?: Shoudn't it actually be "darned". I now know how old hoss feels. Maybe. Except I have less wrinkles. But not many actually. Darn!

Like Parks?: WTF???!!! Are you part of the Park Liberation Front? Are you collecting donations and senile old women?

Like school?: Of course, miss. Can I go home now please?

Collect anything?: experiences.

Work?: What? You mean I gotta like school and work? What is this, the 1400's? If so, why don't the Iroquois still live in large parts of North America?

Like shopping?: For a pink BFG.

Party?: Isn't it interesting how the verbal phrase "to go to" has been shortened to the using of the noun to also become the verb, but not only that but to act in a particular (and arguably, heinous) manner?

Smoke?: Answered Fucktard.

Sing?: Is that by way of a completely subjective definition? Does that mean by way of habit or by way of having so attempted to so do? It shouldn't be ambiguous, but...

Have a crush?: Die, fucktard, DIE!!!

Do you think you've been in love?: I think Oscar Wilde is currently swearing in his fully-decomposed state currently.

Want to go to college?: Of course. It's part of the "American Dream" and thus every culture's.

Like high school?: I prefer the low variety. Like blows.

Want to get married?: Thank God! I thought you'd never ask! Quick! When's the next flight to Vegas?

Do you have a lava lamp?: see inventory, above.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: Have we shagged yet?

NoPREFERENCES....

(so why are you then asking for preferences, twat?!)

Pepsi or Coke: something thirst-quenching.

McDonald's or Burger King: Hmm, I think your weltanschauung is...actually, I think you need one. Here! Take this!

Single or group dates: crushed. And stoned. Very important.

Adidas or Nike: Hmmm. Let me see. Do I want to be in arsehole camp 1 or arsehole camp 2?
Tough. How about neither.

AdidasLipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Is someone paying you for this?

Chocolate or vanilla: Heh!

Chicken or fish: I thought that as there was a choice of both...

Boxers or Briefs: Let me see...? Do I want "Mad Mike Tyson" down my pants, chomping away?
Or a bent lawyer kissing my arse? I think I'll go for an Arnold Rocket (Commando).

TV or Movies: At home, while watching...er, not a lot, TV. In the cinema? Well, the tv isn't that big and I'd have to stand at the back and the volume isn't and ...

Dogs or Cats: Dogs make good cannon fodder. Or kebabs.

Half empty or half full: Does it matter? It's not 100%! Put your back into it NOW!!!

There was more, but now I think I need to go and do something.

Let this be a lesson to you: solipsism is not self-fulfilling.

Wishing on a star

Retrieved from various sources.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. God (this does include what you call yourself, right?)
2. C-nt (that's my friends for you!)
3.I'll take the Fifth on this one, lest I compromise my anonymity.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. apart from this one? I never made it on stage. This quiz sucks!
2.
3.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. cv system (when works)
2. eyes
3. scars/signs of ageing

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. titanium bits
2. disappearing head hair :((((
3. almost complete absence of rhythm

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Mongrel
2. Peasant
3. Idiosyncratic humanity

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. needles
2. killer cheeses
3. my acl going "snap" again

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. air
2. water
3. thought

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. body odour
2. fillings
3. my serious face

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1.Idlewild
2. Feeder
3. Tears For Fears

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. The theme from 'A Summer Place'
2. 'Video Killed the Radio Star' - The Buggles
3. 'Iris' - The Goo Goo Dolls

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. The impossible
2. The implausible
3. The ineluctable

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I used to run my own company
2. I once made the last 3 in a modelling contest
3. Women fall at my feet frequently

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Deportment
2. Eyes that are alive
3. Curves

Can we make that list about 500 thingies longer?
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. people watching
2. women watching
3. thinking

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. To be on my way
2. Ergonomically-designed work area
3. Power to control others' minds

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Journalist
2. Gentleman
3. Prime Minister

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Everywhere on Earth
2. Everywhere in space
3. Everywhen in time (Dr Who needs a new assistant)

THREE KIDS' NAMES YOU LIKE: (actually these are just names - forget kids, eh?)
1. Eric (Cantona, Cartman, Stolz - ? - )
2. Oliver (had to say that) As in Oliver Reed or another lil' fella I just met...
3. 'Oi! Get 'ere naohw!' (Very common on council estates)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Touch the world (?)
2. Not only be a sperm donor, but have someone use it!
3. I'll reserve that one. In case, y'know?

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL/BOY:
1. I have testosterone (grotty facial hair)
2. I can be extremely neanderthal
3. I don't pretend to like people I don't, most of the time

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Kathleen Robertson (mmmm, yum!)
2. Catwoman (do cartoon characters count?)
3. The bird in the pink and black to the left as you face the group in the Eric Prydz video (not the Oz bird).

Everyone hates a smart-arse

Actually, everyone loves a smart arse.

Especially if they can get their hands on it

tippety

Confesssion is not good for the soul, but if you can burden another with your guilt, go for it.

Be good

And if you can't be good, lie a lot and refuse to take the DNA test





Life goes on.

Don’t it just?

You know the way that seems easiest often

Isn't.

Most along the way will make a pit stop or two.

And some will be right.

And most will because they've given up trying and found a kindred soul.

Sometimes training in pain is a battle well-spent.

And sometimes some over-train.

If that's the best preparation: for what?

Pedestrian Minds

...
should be walked upon

It's like, y'know?

No I fucking don't!!

And you can't explain, can you, you ignoramus!

Spine

Conversation:

Hi.

Hi.

My mate fancies you. Come and dance!

Which one?

*Points*

Whu-uh? (a real, like, y'know ...babe!)

*Enters fray gingerly*

Hey!

Hi!

You realise you're waay too good for me, right?

*Giggles*

So what's this thing you have about older men?

You're not that old!

* ?!!!!! *big grin*

How old do you think I am?

Mmmm. 24?

I love you!!!! Will you have my children?

*Laughs*

No, honestly. It'll be great! I'll even promise only to be there for the sex part!

(If it works, I'll let you know... :P

Bones creak

St. John’s Wort. Nice of him to share it. Herpes, anyone?

it's late

still

Mary had a little lamb

But as she didn't have Michael Jackson's millions, she wasn't worth suing

I never flirt with women

in case they take me seriously

Love

Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love.

I've worked out if I do this 1,000,000,000 (one thousand million in proper counting) times more, my pet's head will explode!

But only if it's Tuesday, 1st December 1907.

Meme interview: THE Wixom Vixen's grilling

P.s. TNM = Two New Men; stroke of genius, or what?!

And don't hold back on wanting to be interviewed: I have sooooooooooooooooooo many questions!!!! 3 is good, right?! So comment now "Interview me!". O.k. then !

Here are my answers to Jessica B's (if I may be so forward) questions. See the end for the rules and instructions. (Mmm. I like instructions. Before bed. With hot choc!)


1. What attracted you to my blog?


Waah! This question is tooooo difficult! (sulks!). Ok, it's not, but I can only think of the honest answer to give. Bah! The paucity of this reply is your fault!!!


Came across it by chance, as you do when you use a search engine. Or not, as was the case.
Apart from that: the obvious wit, intelligence and it being a damn good read (pardon me). So you're either a quite rare woman to possess such facilities, or a quite rare man. For this purpose, man and woman also equal any rogue self-replicating, self-writing viruses that might have invaded blogger.com for their own insidious purposes.



2. Are you a man or a mushroom?

Well, the latter would make me a cannibal (thinks of Mr Hopkins, Welsh bloke and that lovely slithering, tongue-slip-flitting sound he made in some fillum) but I oft feel one as governments now refuse to tell me their secrets and people won't tell me anything anymore, just cause I'm a ghost! Oh, that kinda answers the question actually. Apart from that I could join the Earth Defence Force and then the record would show genus: homo sapien, sex: m. That's what il mio passaporto says, anyway. Not the bit about the EDF tho'; I made them up. Apart from that, I do like a good mushroom. The bad ones use such terrible language my sensitive teeth can't take it. Genus is one letter away from genius. I wonder what it'd be like to be one. Genus, that is. Ptthhb.



3. What's your favorite childhood memory? (favourite).Hmm. Ha. Humm. Could settle on fave. Um. Blimey Batman! This is longer than an exam! Or your nipples, Robin. You promised you wouldn't mention those! Stiff upper lip, old chap! There you go! I'm not very good with favourites: they keep changing, there's always a good 'un you can't 'member, which really is better, and (muppititude aside) the best things will always come along tomorrow. I honestly cannot answer this simply and some answers will reveal things about me to the trained eye, but I guess I'll have to take that chance. I'll give you some good memories, but my childhood was full of them (and when did/will it end?) . Here goes:


Running from a drunken loon with my sisters on my first day in Southampton on a beautiful sunny September day, the second goal I scored in a footy (soccer) game against my team's nearest rivals for the league title, leaving school and burning the school tie, taking the exam to get into the (quite prestigious) school, discovering women (ok, they were girls, but what did I know?), rolling down hills and climbing up them, every baking summer and every freezing winter, every balmy spring and promise-filled autumn, reading and re-reading the LOTR, buying my first record and discovering music and thought, going to the shops on a Saturday morning to spend my pocket money on Spider Man comics, listening to (often heated, but dead intelligent) family debates, not eating my sprouts and leaving them in my pockets then hiding them in a drawer only to discover them going mouldy some while later, getting stuck in the paternoster when I went to visit my sister at uni and getting told off by the security guard for riding it incessantly, going into "the zone" (sporting phrase, not a place), staring at wallpaper...and on and on and on....


4. What are your thoughts on blonde vs. brunette?

I think Brazil will probably win the World Cup again, ho hum. Well. Most blondes are brunettes. Most real blondes are actually quite unattractive, tho a small ppn are well fit, geezer. I think brunettes tend to have stronger and more attractive faces/features. Even when blonde. I have been disparaging about those who seek to obtain a personality from a bottle (i.e. brunettes who go blonde to have "more fun") but generalisations are pointless: several someones I've known dyed their hair blonde but they had balls (not literally!) and brains and substance, so that was why I associated with them, rather than simply objectified them (if they were worthy of those fickle feelings I possess - ed). A woman with a really good face (but possibly immensely irritating and thus who might end up in the last category were a meaningful meeting ever to become a reality, and it's not one I wish for - too busy) would be Angie Everhardt - and she's a (proper) readhead cum brunette. But then Elizabeth Perkins is quite nice as is Penelope Ann Miller to mention just a couple.
And Kathleen Robertson's cute. That weird bird off of 'charmed', tho I don't like her name. Not too many more: I'm too picky.

Is this a question of "do you fancy blondes (per se) or brunettes?", or "do you like what everyone else does, or can you think for yourself?" Blast! How can such a simple question be so hard?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. What are you wearing?
For a very short period of time, people told me I looked like Al Bundy. I should be so lucky, but I do sit like he does in front of the TV; when on my own, anyway. I wear bad bad bad clothes. No sense. Of style. Fashion. Sense, even. Jeans with a hole that has mysteriously appeared right in the centre of the crotch, varnish stains that won't come out - from helping someone paint the beams in their brand new house - an unidentified green stain that I have christened "Norbert". A belt, black. To clip my baby, cheap but not "fell of a lorry " (i.e. stolen) ipod onto. Socks. Two. Black. Now probably in need of a wash. Underpants (caks/keks/trolleys) of the regulation basic, cover yer bits and stop them making out like a headbanger variety. Today's are (alas) Calvins - from a visit to Vegas some long while ago. Perhaps they really shouldn't have lasted this long? T-shirt. NOT DESIGNER. Blech! Plain kinda off-white, maybe it needs a wash(?) colour. Most of my stuff is in someone's loft and may never see the light of day which is a shame as there are some lovely (well I like 'em anyway, what's that on the end of your nose, nice spot btw!!!) shirts among other things up there.

So. When do the royalties come flooding in?

MEME RULES
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ/Blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Good Ideas

will be ignored and abused in equal measure

I'm not very good as a real person

You're a fragment; just like me.

Exam questions

Men should compliment women's breasts more.

How often does two coats of paint = something new?

Vulnerability prompts acceptance. They're always the killers.

Post your itinierary because no-one knows.

Naked sand.

Have you noticed how many people have thin skin on their foreheads?

Indications of limitations?

The difference between the good-looking and the not so is often shown in their attitude to fun:
the not-so's think about it more?

Facility provides (immediate) opportunity and restricts/destroys planning and patience.

The U.S. pays for its t.v. with short attention spans; the U.K. pays for it with 'Eastenders'.

you work hard

so why are you surprised at success showing?

Bad Actors

The question of bluff and double bluff is a matter of having the steel to see it through, the smarts to know where you are and the savvy of when to make your call.


Bad Actors.

Reasons to emigrate # 2

Abi Titmus.

p.s. I wonder if this is a fiendish plot I've uncovered?

hillbilly hullabaloo

urhk, grrr,

must blog, must bl...urrrr, if only I could wipe my brow upon the (electronic) page....

mojito!!!

yeah, had a mojito.

looked like a load of urine on nettles with a mountainlet of crushed ice on the summit even tho we've got a drought here and shouldn't be wasting water, but it's me so it's alright and

even tho the bartender asked if I liked it more sour or sweet and I said 'It's my first' and he said 'Well, that puts a lot of pressure on me' and I wondered if he was flirting and wanted to run but I couldn't cause of the heaps and heaps of curry I'd

just had

earlier but not so long ago but a while ago but it wasn't going

and it reminded me of that programme that I saw over breakfast

this morning which was the American (i.e. expensive but apparently much tackier and how much tackier can you actually get?)

version of playing it straight and

of course the presenter- ess, who made the multi-talentless June Sarpong seem quite debonair,

thank you,

was dumb and dull and even when she and the presenter had explained that there was a monetary prize and it was to be shared either among the heterosexual couple were the final pair to be such or kept by the mendacious homosexual male alone were he to prove successful in his


pursuit

of the 'prize' a at best average-looking and immensely dull and irritating mid-western gal, is this what you take to be representatie of American values, such rank mediocrity?,

she still had to quote a rather twee strapline that made it clear for the brain-challenged heartlands of said Americah, ie. probably the mid-Amer-can town that our pallid 2 cent Barbie was plucked from and all along the diction and comments were indicative of too much repeating of perhaps once-acceptable phrases now having entered the lexicon of triteness incarnate or simply no neurones firing ...d'uh, hello?! and

then, of course, the first two voted off the programme were 'straight' and this was such a surprise to everyone because they were certain that these two were gay due to their failure

to exhitbit redneck tendencies and to try to shove their tongues down Barbie's throat from 15 paces even though the ridiculous stereotype of an effeminate man being gay and nothing but can
only still be adhered to on a conscious (fuck the subliminal, eh, let's just out with it cause we're all...arseholes, yes I know you are) level in the good ol' land of the brave and the home of the free - as long as you're not a faggot, unless you're funny in which case, get a guest spot on Will and Grace and we can laugh uneasily at you from our corpulent lives bolstered by our corpulent values

and of course having a hairdryer is undoubtedly a signifier of aberrent sexual orientation (such as it may be considered by the good and the far right) because a man would never do such a thing, not a real man, anyway and

there was a surprising amount of bitching and backstabbing among the men who, gay or not, were predominantly a bunch of faceless not much of anythings and then

I had another mojito but someone else ordered cause that bar wasn't safe even though it was cause people making good wisecracks and it was is good, and I'm not saying I've had too much to drink or that I'm easy or anything

but damn, it's hot in here again or maybe that's the innoculation I had

and I can still feel that curry inside me.

I'm gonna name it Alfred. After the last real Saxon king.

g' night.

blog central out.

palace

Let me tell you about eudemonia (word won’t let me spell it any other way) some other time.

I think everyone here should drive on the left, just for my convenience – who cares if they don’t get it?!

Work is … an invention to waste time that might otherwise be spent productively.

There’s a freedom I feel that most other people won’t get, unless perhaps they’re doing something like me, although I’ve had it since…forever.

Diaspora of 1.

Ok, so I have my silly little “problems”, like …(insert a non-problem here), I don’t have the daily grind and pressure of mortgages and food on the table and lust and looking good and career and…all of that grown-up stuff. Never been part of the grown-up world and don’t think I ever will. I can just wander around unconscious and stumble upon whatever happens to trip me up at the time. Apart from the beard, I could be Forrest Gump. But one thing has struck me, and that’s the lack of a focal point in this type of existence. I’ve said goodbye to everything that was my past, save my friends and family, who remain a constant constellation (urk!) but over a horizon I cannot see and ahead of me is, quite simply, the unknown. I have no idea who I’ll meet, what they’ll be like, where I’ll be, what my plan is (I don’t have one any more!) or anything at all. I just live from day to day and, occasionally, in my imagination, in another time and timeframe altogether. I have no compass. I have, at times, been fascinated but also baulked at the idea of going into a flotation tank; total sensory deprivation, but this seems a step in that direction.

Certainly some interesting things happen to your sense of self and identity. You feel as though you’re a refugee for a second, until you realise how you trivialise the aftershock that those (genuine) refugees, who may never have known peace save in fitful dreams, have had. There’s the baby in the outsized body syndrome. And not just the obvious.

The frustration of knowing that the perfectly good sense you’re making (I’ve toned my language down to ‘normalise’) is just gibberish, so you don’t even try. There’s the feeling you get as you walk through an archway and there, right in front of you is the green and white faзade of The Hermitage that wraps you in its verdant span and envelops you in awe.

There’s the contradiction between a people sometimes seemingly so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t see that it’s as though the doors to time have been opened and the world has moved on past pre-Revolution, although part of this city of 5,000,000 don’t seem to recognise or perhaps even accept that, and the desire to make a quick buck with the latest technology, fashion and still newfound freedom all of which still sometimes smack of 20 years ago. The way the outside world, the West, is twisted here is like the whole place, neither East nor West (and this is St Petersburg), neither now nor then, neither…neither. It seems its way.

Come to Russia?
Yes.
St Petersburg?
Definitely.

But learn the language or ‘go tourist class’ and maybe just get a culture blast.

And let its spirit take you where it will. The journey will be worth it.

(Courtesy of the unofficial St P tourist board). ______________________________________________________________

Cheese Dick

I'm playing ball. For now.

Like a prisoner released early to allow politicians to avoid the wrath of the idiot far left while ignoring the plight of the victims who never obtain redress, I have a tag.

Unlike them I have no curfew, but as I can't be arsed to go out as of this moment in time for ... a while, anyway, it's of little consequence.

I didn't get tagged with this MEME questionnaire.

Enjoy in the negative sense of the word as I brew up a mass of methane.

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

A/Married Princess Diana. What's that? My padded room is ready? Why, thank you!
B/ Not married Princess Diana. What's that? My padded room is ready? But...!?
C/I perhaps have done much that to many might be considered as 'not smart' and hence stupid and thus might be cause for regret in some fashion were I so minded to think like that and notwithstanding other homespun philosophies on said subject although that in itself presupposes a degree of control that might well not have been there and thus to have 'done' it might actually not be correct. Let's just say there's at least one person I would at this time and from times past have liked to have kept in touch with. For a while longer, at least. Something I'm very good at (from my perspective), but probably very bad at (from yours). And there's more. But you'll have to pay for that. Cash dollars (I'm told).

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

Me. Anyone who answers otherwise has misunderstood the reason why they have skin. It's to keep you ...to...ge...ther.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?

Couldn't I have a Tardis instead? I've always hated phones. so...

A/ People I would poison without hesitation: all politicians save about 3 from the last century, world wide.

eh? Wrong question? I thought this was about my cooking! You mean we get SERVED food?!!!

Hmmm. Ok.

A/ Soloman. To see how he'd deal with the "problems" we have today.
B/ The inventor of the wheel. So I could get him to sign over the rights to me....
C/ My last surviving relative from the future;now, what were those lottery ticket numbers...?
D/ Eve. To give her the recipie for rhubarb crumble.
E/ Hillary Clinton. Just in case Eve was a bit of a hottie...(ardour cooler, you pervs!)

If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

Of course wishes need not be supernatural, lest you think otherwise.

A/ That all democracies had full proportional representation in their voting systems as the end result.
B/ That someone would do my shopping for me.
C/ That I weren't so darned handsome (getting mobbed by women all the time is suuuuuuuuch a drag!)
D/(I cheat) An end to Greed until the year 5300. To see if the human race survives that far, and how.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

A/ i) More life when the stoodies aren't aboot;
ii) Free prostitutes.

B/ i) The posh, trendy, expensive bars;
ii) Free prostitutes

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

Now this is a poorly-phrased question, if ever there was one. Patently it means "what event has had a significant effect on your life and impliedly following on from its occurrence was the effect of it such that the life plan (implied or otherwise) that was in effect at the time altered to a dramatic degree, that such that the plan was either stalled for some considerable time, changed in content to a very large (i.e. greater than 50%) degree, or simply binned while you went into rehab?" as otherwise all events have had that effect.

My event is: growing. Do you know how great it is when you don't get to wear hand-me-downs any more cause you're now bigger than everyone else? :)

7. Tag 3 people.

1. The first person to leave a comment on my blog after having read this.
2. Sar, just cause it's a short name and easy to tag. Now where have I heard that name before...?
3. Bill Clinton. (Go on, Bill. You can do it while I'm entertaining the missus - but NOT in that way!)

You can say all you want

after all, no-one's listening to you.

dead heads

Today I tried to shot-putt my head.

It didn't go very far.

We share the commonality of television

And if that's not depressing enough (hint: it is. Ok? Got that? Good!) :

Someone once told me I had Ausberger's Syndrome, or something.

WTF???

I have no social skills and I kinda like that.

Most of the time, I'm perfectly happy being a c-!

Don't make excuses for me!!

(mine are far more entertaining, if completely implausible).

Alan Greenspan

I think you have weak parenting skills.

Nope

Got nuthin to say.

Not even the shit I normally come out with.

Relegated.

It seems my other parts have been relegated here.

To not be a cypher is to be a cipher!

Still.

Now I have this PWC. It's digging in.

Hasta luego. Ciao. Privyet. Tchuss. Ta Ta. Au Revoir.

hum. ho hum. oh. ho.

Closed shutters, broken shadows. A heat that sits upon you.

Bedclothes strewn like the plans you made.

Pick a corner. Will you fight the same whichever you choose?

In the middle of the room you choose to scan and search.

The way out is blocked.

You know that.

You know there's a way out.

Outside it's 193- and the jeep chase is underway, round and round but no laughs like playground fun.

Sand. Dust. Covers ground, reveals your tracks until the wind of mischief takes them to his memory. Alone, hidden. Can you ever catch the wind and find its secrets?

Sunlight lets in vision. Forces images upon you and with them a flurry that echoes the obscuring dust, too fickle to trust.

Back to the haven that is a prison. Safety in the number 1. But safety will come through more than just one. Although perhaps only one at a time.

These walls. Built for security. Did the makers have this in mind? Press against them and feel the cool, a break from the pressure building.

Watch. Time. Are we synchronised? Who is this "we"? Is there one?

White. Reflects. Could you be invisible?

Time to rest?

I like Nick Heywood

He put the word "Toblerone" in a song now, didn't he?

Golden times

Don't complain about the weight of expectation.

You're a dose of today's fantasy.

If you want reality; there's public transport.