Memory
BASICS
Name: Jonny (as far as you're concerned)
Age: is a wonderful thing. That way I know you are a schoolgirl and thus prey for some of the saddos I've met and not for me: a lifetime of anal intrusion appeals not.
Birth date: I've always wondered why I have to have the date on which I was born. Why can't I choose? This denies me a basic fundamental human right.
Birthplace: I'm not admitting to that! Have you seen the place?!!! Ok, for those so inclined, Charles Dickens was born there.
Current Location: In hiding. From everyone who's after me. That's not you, too, is it?
Eye Color: Colours. Plural. And spelt proper, loike. Brown and green. With a black bit in the middle that changes shape when the object in front of me is particularly ... interesting - i.e. horny (why does no one ever mention that?) and the whitey/yellow/red bits outside (ditto - which must mean I have a weird head).
Hair Color: Mud. Clean mud. Not grey mud. or red mud or...dammit! Brown. With an increasing amount of albino.
Height: Sheer - hahahahaha! Ok, I'm easily amused when it's me doing the amusing...bigger than most.
Righty or Lefty: Politics? Side my knob falls to? Side I choose to walk on in relation to you? Oh, hannnnnds! Right! In that case, I have 2. Thank you very much!
Zodiac Sign: You're psychic, you tell me! Make it good, or I won't buy you another apple pie!
Marital Status: Blimey! What is this; a quiz or something? Unalloyed.
Nicknames: Currently? I think people just talk about me behind my back. They sure don't talk to my face.
Siblings: maybe. That's private if no and private if yes. For now. Until the police have completed their vetting procedure. Unless you want to work for Royal Mail, in which case...OK!
STUFF THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT
(what's that then?)
What did u do yesterday? This is classed as "really important"? Well I can imagine it is if you're constipated and have been for a week or haven't eaten in 3 days and been rescued from wild dingoes, but otherwise....
What are you doing tomorrow? Having sex. (Will someone please put the people in the back having the sniggering fits outside - PLEASE!)
What are you listening to? The sound of mellifluous breathing? No, ok, Garbage.
What country would you most like to visit? Original question: Take over a country (imagine you're short, Amer-can, dense beyond dense, and suffer from little man syndrome if you're having trouble here). What would you name it? What laws would you pass? How would you manage the economy?
What are you most afraid of?: Seeing "The Fantastic Four and liking it". Ok, that's actually a lie: 'tis pants beyond compare, but I like the sentiment.
What are you wearing? Original question. Why don't people wear live pets?
What are you thinking about right now? WTF is the end of this thing? I gotta pee soon and collar the urchin.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: I'd like to be a parasitic crayon. That ate your blood. So I'd be a colour-changing, blood-sucking and digesting crayon.
One pillow or two, cotton or feather?: Are we talking as an aid to sex here? Ropes, ropes, ropes!
How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?: WTF is that? Is it like a chocolate teapot?
ARE YOU...
Understanding?: Of course! But in English we say "Do you understand?" (fuckin idiots!)
Arrogant?: Hell, YES!!!!
A littleInsecure?: No. But my nuts are itching again.
VeryInteresting?: Interminably. Is this the psychometric and thus 'meaningful' component? What prize do I get?
MaybeFriendly?: That describes everyone. So no.
VerySmart?: Oooooh ye-...no :(
QuiteMoody?: Yup! Especially when I'm on. Or being chased by fast-moving gnats.
Not so muchChildish?: Y'see? Young people these days...
Sprightly but not immature: Que? Do I get coupongs for this?
Independent?: Is that a euphemism for is I tied up (above)? Actually I belong to a co-op.
VeryEmotionally Stable?: YES, YES, YES! Ok, once more from the top
Probably notShy?: You are or you're not. It's a transient state depending on circumstances.
Attractive?: C'mon. You want me, don't you? rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Bored Easily?: n - ooh! lookee there!
Responsible?: ir...?
Sad?: no, I'm slash my wrists fucking over the moon!
Obsessive?: It's a human trait. Chemicals, dontcha know?
SlightlyObsessive compulsive?: maybe, maybe not? Now where did I put my hair curlers?
Psycho?: Nope. I only stalk for cash money.
WHAT'S...
Your heritage?: An unsubtle device used by Americans to reinforce stereotypes and their 'class system' (that they don't have). The rest of the world doesn't give a toss, usually.
Your weakness?: Guess. Guess again. Don't expect me to tell you if you're right, but at least it keeps you outta my hair.
Your fears?: You've asked this question. Get a memory.
Your perfect pizza?: The one I ordered 15 minutes later than you and are now deriving almost as much pleasure from as I am from your plaintive bleating and pitiful attempts to look appealing in order to attempt to get me to give you some. Maybe, but it won't be pizza (if you're cute and disposable).
Your current Mood?: Androgynous.
Your current Music?: That doesn't even make fucking sense? The proper question has already been asked.
Your current Taste?: To kill the writer of this inane drivel...
Your current Hair?: Hey? Is this like baby teeth? When mine all falls out I get a new set of adult hair? News to me!
Your current Smell: Ok, this was plainly written by a retard. Grade average over 4.0 (whatever that means). Come in Jenna Bush, your time is up.
Your current Favorite Celebrity: The one you never hear anything about.
Your most overused phrase on AIM/AOL/MN: I don't have one. Which is a problem in a world that runs on them.
The worst song you ever heard: No idea.
The last thing you ate?: ...Fuck off!
The last thing you said?: Fuck off!
The best song you ever heard?: No idea. Going downhill real quick...
The shoes you wore today?: Stinky ones! Going uphill fastly fast!!!
The most embarrassing thing you've done? Going downhill real fast
Your room is like?: It's like, y'know?! Huh!
Very messyGoal you'd like to achieve?: Mudbath with (insert name of fit porn star here).
HAVE YOU EVER...
(killed anyone? No, but it's currently foremost in my mind...)
Fallen for your best friend?: You don't fall for friends, only strangers. And that's lust.
Done something you regret?: You can only regret what you haven't done. You should expect ramifications from action and factor them into the expected valence of the outcome.
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: as in I'm too big for ya, but you're gonna get it anyway...hmmm :)
Smoked?: No.
Broken the law?: Which law? Ya gotta be more specific!
Broken a bone? Mine or someone else's? Yes to the former. Altho' technically it was the force of the impact that did it.
Cheated on a test?: Purlease! Actually once I did give someone some help which meant they did better than me...that kinda defeats the object, doesn't it?
Played truth or dare?: I don't play ... games.
Mooned someone?: I don't think I have. Add to the "to do" list.
Kissed someone you didn't know?: Arrgh! Grab! Tongues! ...next wictim...?
Been in a physical fight?: Is there any other kind? Really?
Ridden in a police car?: As in, nicked? They tend to use vans (he says, from what he's heard from other people). Otherwise, well, buses tend to stop when you flag them down, the police aren't very good at that.
Been on a plane?: This comes from America which has more internal flights than any other country but very few (relatively) passport holders. Go figure.
Come close to dying?: apparently when you sneeze, everything stops. Everything. And it's the equivalent of one-eighth of an orgasm. Which means...a lotta near-death experiences!
Been in a sauna?: Got it. The "person" who wrote this was a 5 year old Puerto Rican.
Been in a hot tub?: ...with Scandinavian "heritage"
Swam in the ocean?: ...living in London
Done illegal drugs?:...occasionally visiting the Home Counties.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicaed?: ...asking their elder sister a lot of questions.
Been called a tease?: No, nor Maltese, Chinese, or Penguinese (I made the last one up).
Gotten beaten up?: Are you asking for me to ... ?
Considered a life of crime?: I couldn't find that biography of Dubya I wanted so very much.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
You talked to in person?: because we are real people in person, aren't we? I can't remember. They can't have been me.
You talked to on the phone?: Ask the people who are monitoring my calls. I'm sure it's important to, well, nobody actually.
You instant messaged?: That hooker. You know. The one who played for Harlequins (English reference).
You had lunch with?: When was the last time I had lunch before 4? Do the people in the cafe count? I don't know their names but they were somewhat...hoary.
You kissed?: Elmer Fudd.
Who broke your heart? I can't say, the case is currently sub judice. There is likely to be an out of court settlement, however.
You had physical contact with? Do fleas count if you've given them names? And a home?
DO YOU...
(now I feel less bad about my lack of mental prowess)
Color your hair?: with bloodsucking crayons, yes.
Have tattoos? I'm reminded of a pc game called "Planescape Torment" or something. People had tattoos in that.
Have Piercings?: As in bits of my body with foreign objects inserted? Does a catheter count?
Floss daily? If it gets you into bed...
Own a web cam?: Here's my entire inventory , now stop asking!
Ever get off the darn computer?: Shoudn't it actually be "darned". I now know how old hoss feels. Maybe. Except I have less wrinkles. But not many actually. Darn!
Like Parks?: WTF???!!! Are you part of the Park Liberation Front? Are you collecting donations and senile old women?
Like school?: Of course, miss. Can I go home now please?
Collect anything?: experiences.
Work?: What? You mean I gotta like school and work? What is this, the 1400's? If so, why don't the Iroquois still live in large parts of North America?
Like shopping?: For a pink BFG.
Party?: Isn't it interesting how the verbal phrase "to go to" has been shortened to the using of the noun to also become the verb, but not only that but to act in a particular (and arguably, heinous) manner?
Smoke?: Answered Fucktard.
Sing?: Is that by way of a completely subjective definition? Does that mean by way of habit or by way of having so attempted to so do? It shouldn't be ambiguous, but...
Have a crush?: Die, fucktard, DIE!!!
Do you think you've been in love?: I think Oscar Wilde is currently swearing in his fully-decomposed state currently.
Want to go to college?: Of course. It's part of the "American Dream" and thus every culture's.
Like high school?: I prefer the low variety. Like blows.
Want to get married?: Thank God! I thought you'd never ask! Quick! When's the next flight to Vegas?
Do you have a lava lamp?: see inventory, above.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: Have we shagged yet?
NoPREFERENCES....
(so why are you then asking for preferences, twat?!)
Pepsi or Coke: something thirst-quenching.
McDonald's or Burger King: Hmm, I think your weltanschauung is...actually, I think you need one. Here! Take this!
Single or group dates: crushed. And stoned. Very important.
Adidas or Nike: Hmmm. Let me see. Do I want to be in arsehole camp 1 or arsehole camp 2?
Tough. How about neither.
AdidasLipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Is someone paying you for this?
Chocolate or vanilla: Heh!
Chicken or fish: I thought that as there was a choice of both...
Boxers or Briefs: Let me see...? Do I want "Mad Mike Tyson" down my pants, chomping away?
Or a bent lawyer kissing my arse? I think I'll go for an Arnold Rocket (Commando).
TV or Movies: At home, while watching...er, not a lot, TV. In the cinema? Well, the tv isn't that big and I'd have to stand at the back and the volume isn't and ...
Dogs or Cats: Dogs make good cannon fodder. Or kebabs.
Half empty or half full: Does it matter? It's not 100%! Put your back into it NOW!!!
There was more, but now I think I need to go and do something.
Let this be a lesson to you: solipsism is not self-fulfilling.
Name: Jonny (as far as you're concerned)
Age: is a wonderful thing. That way I know you are a schoolgirl and thus prey for some of the saddos I've met and not for me: a lifetime of anal intrusion appeals not.
Birth date: I've always wondered why I have to have the date on which I was born. Why can't I choose? This denies me a basic fundamental human right.
Birthplace: I'm not admitting to that! Have you seen the place?!!! Ok, for those so inclined, Charles Dickens was born there.
Current Location: In hiding. From everyone who's after me. That's not you, too, is it?
Eye Color: Colours. Plural. And spelt proper, loike. Brown and green. With a black bit in the middle that changes shape when the object in front of me is particularly ... interesting - i.e. horny (why does no one ever mention that?) and the whitey/yellow/red bits outside (ditto - which must mean I have a weird head).
Hair Color: Mud. Clean mud. Not grey mud. or red mud or...dammit! Brown. With an increasing amount of albino.
Height: Sheer - hahahahaha! Ok, I'm easily amused when it's me doing the amusing...bigger than most.
Righty or Lefty: Politics? Side my knob falls to? Side I choose to walk on in relation to you? Oh, hannnnnds! Right! In that case, I have 2. Thank you very much!
Zodiac Sign: You're psychic, you tell me! Make it good, or I won't buy you another apple pie!
Marital Status: Blimey! What is this; a quiz or something? Unalloyed.
Nicknames: Currently? I think people just talk about me behind my back. They sure don't talk to my face.
Siblings: maybe. That's private if no and private if yes. For now. Until the police have completed their vetting procedure. Unless you want to work for Royal Mail, in which case...OK!
STUFF THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT
(what's that then?)
What did u do yesterday? This is classed as "really important"? Well I can imagine it is if you're constipated and have been for a week or haven't eaten in 3 days and been rescued from wild dingoes, but otherwise....
What are you doing tomorrow? Having sex. (Will someone please put the people in the back having the sniggering fits outside - PLEASE!)
What are you listening to? The sound of mellifluous breathing? No, ok, Garbage.
What country would you most like to visit? Original question: Take over a country (imagine you're short, Amer-can, dense beyond dense, and suffer from little man syndrome if you're having trouble here). What would you name it? What laws would you pass? How would you manage the economy?
What are you most afraid of?: Seeing "The Fantastic Four and liking it". Ok, that's actually a lie: 'tis pants beyond compare, but I like the sentiment.
What are you wearing? Original question. Why don't people wear live pets?
What are you thinking about right now? WTF is the end of this thing? I gotta pee soon and collar the urchin.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: I'd like to be a parasitic crayon. That ate your blood. So I'd be a colour-changing, blood-sucking and digesting crayon.
One pillow or two, cotton or feather?: Are we talking as an aid to sex here? Ropes, ropes, ropes!
How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?: WTF is that? Is it like a chocolate teapot?
ARE YOU...
Understanding?: Of course! But in English we say "Do you understand?" (fuckin idiots!)
Arrogant?: Hell, YES!!!!
A littleInsecure?: No. But my nuts are itching again.
VeryInteresting?: Interminably. Is this the psychometric and thus 'meaningful' component? What prize do I get?
MaybeFriendly?: That describes everyone. So no.
VerySmart?: Oooooh ye-...no :(
QuiteMoody?: Yup! Especially when I'm on. Or being chased by fast-moving gnats.
Not so muchChildish?: Y'see? Young people these days...
Sprightly but not immature: Que? Do I get coupongs for this?
Independent?: Is that a euphemism for is I tied up (above)? Actually I belong to a co-op.
VeryEmotionally Stable?: YES, YES, YES! Ok, once more from the top
Probably notShy?: You are or you're not. It's a transient state depending on circumstances.
Attractive?: C'mon. You want me, don't you? rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Bored Easily?: n - ooh! lookee there!
Responsible?: ir...?
Sad?: no, I'm slash my wrists fucking over the moon!
Obsessive?: It's a human trait. Chemicals, dontcha know?
SlightlyObsessive compulsive?: maybe, maybe not? Now where did I put my hair curlers?
Psycho?: Nope. I only stalk for cash money.
WHAT'S...
Your heritage?: An unsubtle device used by Americans to reinforce stereotypes and their 'class system' (that they don't have). The rest of the world doesn't give a toss, usually.
Your weakness?: Guess. Guess again. Don't expect me to tell you if you're right, but at least it keeps you outta my hair.
Your fears?: You've asked this question. Get a memory.
Your perfect pizza?: The one I ordered 15 minutes later than you and are now deriving almost as much pleasure from as I am from your plaintive bleating and pitiful attempts to look appealing in order to attempt to get me to give you some. Maybe, but it won't be pizza (if you're cute and disposable).
Your current Mood?: Androgynous.
Your current Music?: That doesn't even make fucking sense? The proper question has already been asked.
Your current Taste?: To kill the writer of this inane drivel...
Your current Hair?: Hey? Is this like baby teeth? When mine all falls out I get a new set of adult hair? News to me!
Your current Smell: Ok, this was plainly written by a retard. Grade average over 4.0 (whatever that means). Come in Jenna Bush, your time is up.
Your current Favorite Celebrity: The one you never hear anything about.
Your most overused phrase on AIM/AOL/MN: I don't have one. Which is a problem in a world that runs on them.
The worst song you ever heard: No idea.
The last thing you ate?: ...Fuck off!
The last thing you said?: Fuck off!
The best song you ever heard?: No idea. Going downhill real quick...
The shoes you wore today?: Stinky ones! Going uphill fastly fast!!!
The most embarrassing thing you've done? Going downhill real fast
Your room is like?: It's like, y'know?! Huh!
Very messyGoal you'd like to achieve?: Mudbath with (insert name of fit porn star here).
HAVE YOU EVER...
(killed anyone? No, but it's currently foremost in my mind...)
Fallen for your best friend?: You don't fall for friends, only strangers. And that's lust.
Done something you regret?: You can only regret what you haven't done. You should expect ramifications from action and factor them into the expected valence of the outcome.
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: as in I'm too big for ya, but you're gonna get it anyway...hmmm :)
Smoked?: No.
Broken the law?: Which law? Ya gotta be more specific!
Broken a bone? Mine or someone else's? Yes to the former. Altho' technically it was the force of the impact that did it.
Cheated on a test?: Purlease! Actually once I did give someone some help which meant they did better than me...that kinda defeats the object, doesn't it?
Played truth or dare?: I don't play ... games.
Mooned someone?: I don't think I have. Add to the "to do" list.
Kissed someone you didn't know?: Arrgh! Grab! Tongues! ...next wictim...?
Been in a physical fight?: Is there any other kind? Really?
Ridden in a police car?: As in, nicked? They tend to use vans (he says, from what he's heard from other people). Otherwise, well, buses tend to stop when you flag them down, the police aren't very good at that.
Been on a plane?: This comes from America which has more internal flights than any other country but very few (relatively) passport holders. Go figure.
Come close to dying?: apparently when you sneeze, everything stops. Everything. And it's the equivalent of one-eighth of an orgasm. Which means...a lotta near-death experiences!
Been in a sauna?: Got it. The "person" who wrote this was a 5 year old Puerto Rican.
Been in a hot tub?: ...with Scandinavian "heritage"
Swam in the ocean?: ...living in London
Done illegal drugs?:...occasionally visiting the Home Counties.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicaed?: ...asking their elder sister a lot of questions.
Been called a tease?: No, nor Maltese, Chinese, or Penguinese (I made the last one up).
Gotten beaten up?: Are you asking for me to ... ?
Considered a life of crime?: I couldn't find that biography of Dubya I wanted so very much.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
You talked to in person?: because we are real people in person, aren't we? I can't remember. They can't have been me.
You talked to on the phone?: Ask the people who are monitoring my calls. I'm sure it's important to, well, nobody actually.
You instant messaged?: That hooker. You know. The one who played for Harlequins (English reference).
You had lunch with?: When was the last time I had lunch before 4? Do the people in the cafe count? I don't know their names but they were somewhat...hoary.
You kissed?: Elmer Fudd.
Who broke your heart? I can't say, the case is currently sub judice. There is likely to be an out of court settlement, however.
You had physical contact with? Do fleas count if you've given them names? And a home?
DO YOU...
(now I feel less bad about my lack of mental prowess)
Color your hair?: with bloodsucking crayons, yes.
Have tattoos? I'm reminded of a pc game called "Planescape Torment" or something. People had tattoos in that.
Have Piercings?: As in bits of my body with foreign objects inserted? Does a catheter count?
Floss daily? If it gets you into bed...
Own a web cam?: Here's my entire inventory , now stop asking!
Ever get off the darn computer?: Shoudn't it actually be "darned". I now know how old hoss feels. Maybe. Except I have less wrinkles. But not many actually. Darn!
Like Parks?: WTF???!!! Are you part of the Park Liberation Front? Are you collecting donations and senile old women?
Like school?: Of course, miss. Can I go home now please?
Collect anything?: experiences.
Work?: What? You mean I gotta like school and work? What is this, the 1400's? If so, why don't the Iroquois still live in large parts of North America?
Like shopping?: For a pink BFG.
Party?: Isn't it interesting how the verbal phrase "to go to" has been shortened to the using of the noun to also become the verb, but not only that but to act in a particular (and arguably, heinous) manner?
Smoke?: Answered Fucktard.
Sing?: Is that by way of a completely subjective definition? Does that mean by way of habit or by way of having so attempted to so do? It shouldn't be ambiguous, but...
Have a crush?: Die, fucktard, DIE!!!
Do you think you've been in love?: I think Oscar Wilde is currently swearing in his fully-decomposed state currently.
Want to go to college?: Of course. It's part of the "American Dream" and thus every culture's.
Like high school?: I prefer the low variety. Like blows.
Want to get married?: Thank God! I thought you'd never ask! Quick! When's the next flight to Vegas?
Do you have a lava lamp?: see inventory, above.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: Have we shagged yet?
NoPREFERENCES....
(so why are you then asking for preferences, twat?!)
Pepsi or Coke: something thirst-quenching.
McDonald's or Burger King: Hmm, I think your weltanschauung is...actually, I think you need one. Here! Take this!
Single or group dates: crushed. And stoned. Very important.
Adidas or Nike: Hmmm. Let me see. Do I want to be in arsehole camp 1 or arsehole camp 2?
Tough. How about neither.
AdidasLipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Is someone paying you for this?
Chocolate or vanilla: Heh!
Chicken or fish: I thought that as there was a choice of both...
Boxers or Briefs: Let me see...? Do I want "Mad Mike Tyson" down my pants, chomping away?
Or a bent lawyer kissing my arse? I think I'll go for an Arnold Rocket (Commando).
TV or Movies: At home, while watching...er, not a lot, TV. In the cinema? Well, the tv isn't that big and I'd have to stand at the back and the volume isn't and ...
Dogs or Cats: Dogs make good cannon fodder. Or kebabs.
Half empty or half full: Does it matter? It's not 100%! Put your back into it NOW!!!
There was more, but now I think I need to go and do something.
Let this be a lesson to you: solipsism is not self-fulfilling.
posted by jonny at 4:36 AM
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